Monday, August 11, 2014

Real Talk is Really Hard

The other day I was called upon to talk about myself in a public setting.
And I choked.
My hands got clammy.
My heart started racing.
My face beamed bright red.

I barely made it through my little 3 minute talk.
And because all eyes were on me...I stumbled through it fearfully.

Why is it we have a hard time telling our stories?
Our stories are proof of God's hand on our lives and when we retrace His fingerprints by telling them to someone else, we find a little bit more freedom.

But, if we are afraid to speak up....what then?

I want to tell my stories, believe me.
And I've prayed about it, time and time again.
But I still struggle with opening up.
With being....VULNERABLE.
Yep. I really don't like that word. :)

Some people say that I really need to grasp the concept of "mind over matter."
To think myself through it.
To ignore my feelings and just state the facts.
You're on a need to know basis anyways right?
I mean, do you really need to know?
Maybe, maybe not.

But after my recent embarrassing moment, it occurred to me that I might need to embrace a new concept.
Maybe I need to focus a little less on my logical and perfectly appealing mind and a little more on my emotional and insanely flawed heart.

Because I'm not smart enough to pull one over on me.
Some truths are just plain messy.
I can't change my stories.
They happened.
And there are things I'm just not proud of.

In order to fully walk in freedom I have to share my stories with others.
And the more I think about it, the less I want to do it.
But the more I let myself feel it, the less I want to keep it to myself.
Because it's not about me anyways.

I can overthink it to death and then tremble as I relay it to you through clenched teeth.
Or I can let my heart's desire to live a free life be my guide into vulnerability.
And boldly share my stories.
Flaws and all.
The ugly truth.
This closet perfectionist hates being noticeably imperfect by the way. :)

But let me be clear:  
I'm able to embrace my mess by the sheer grace of God.
Only then can I bring Him glory by telling my story.

So I'll take a crack at this heart-being-my-guide thing by saying this:

Amazing Grace,
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost.
But now I'm found.
Was blind, but now I see.

Mark 5:19(msg)-
"Jesus said, 'Go home to your own people.
Tell them your story—what the Master did, how He had mercy on you.' ”

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